*doorbell rings*
Hank: Derek Jeter! Welcome to the Steinbrenner Compound Annual Yankee Family Christmas Gathering™!
Jeter: Thank you Young Mr. Steinbrenner.
Hal: I’m afraid Father isn’t feeling well, but he will come down when dinner is ready. Brian, take Yankee Captain® Derek Jeter’s coat.
Cashman: Yes Sir Young Master Steinbrenner. Master Jeter, your teammates are waiting in the Parlor.
Jeter: Thank you Brian.
Girardi: Now that it’s almost 2, we can start the, ahem, Yankee Swap©!
Everyone: *forced laughter*
Mussina: Hey, what about Alex? He’s gonna miss the fun.
Hank: If Alex doesn’t come by 2 PM sharp, he will not get his present. I repeat. ALEX RODRIGUEZ WILL NOT BE GETTING A PRESENT FROM THE YANKEES THIS YEAR!
Hal: He’s a choking bastard anyway!
Damon: Oh well, I’ll start passing out the gifts now. Jorgie, heads up!
*Damon throws gift three feet, Derek Jeter cuts it off and flips it to Posada before knocking over the Christmas Tree and severing Carl Pavano’s right radial collateral ligament*
Posada: The label says it’s from Shelly…let’s see what we’ve got here…ah, tube socks. Gee, thanks.
Duncan: No probs. I thought of you when I saw those at K-Mart at 11:56 PM last night.
Girardi: Okay, I’m going to make a substitution here. Johnny, you’re out. Melky, you take over handing the gifts out.
Melky: Sure thing, new skip. Okay, this next gift is going to Joba, and it’s from Robby.
Cano: Check it out, dis gon’ be good.
Joba: JOBA OPEN GIFT
Dave Eiland: No, No Joba! That’s not the right form. You do not open wrapping paper with your teeth. Here, let me show you…aww, isn’t that cute, it’s a Bug Zapper!
Cano: Look in the box, there’s also a can of OFF!
Joba: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE! JOBA WANT NEW GIFT!
Girardi: Sorry, can’t do that, rook’. No opening two in a row. Joba Rules™. Wang, you’re up next.
Wang: The gift from Mr. Matsui and Igawa-san is Nintendo the Wii gambling control bench. I in this western holiday celebration seek for myself to accept this gift very happily.
Matsui: Wang, I could give reputation in order to choose that kind of gift because of you. At the excellent Japanese for enjoying your video gambling look technology.
Igawa: The Matsui-san likes the Mario Extreme Galaxy, but I am the so enjoy the Princess of the Zelda Twilight. I acquired the use of Wiimote between my day of village of minor league of the Yankee of Scranton. My sunglasses are the sensored movement in Wii console application utility.
Abreu: Hey, this gift is for Roger. Where is he?
Pettite: Oh, he’s still cooking the turkey with Jason.
Suzyn Waldman: ROGAH CLEMENS IS IN GEORGE’S KITCHEN! ROGAH CLEMINS IS STANDING IN GEORGE’S KITCHEN, AND HE’S MAKING DINNUH FOR THE YANKEES!
Clemens: Ah Gee, Jason. I’m tryin’a baste this turkey, but I can’t stick the gosh-darn thermometer in the rump. Can y’elp me find the right tender spot?
Giambi: Sure thing, Rocket. Here’s a trick I learned from Jose Canseco back in Oakland. You’ve gotta use this cream and get it at just the right angle…this should work.
*George Steinbrenner comes marching down the stairs with Randy Levine chasing him, trying to hold him back*
George: WHAT THE SAM HILL IS THIS GOSH DARN RACKET DOWN HERE?
Randy Levine: Mr. Steinbrenner, sir, please go back to your bed, you’re not at all well.
George: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE? WHERE ARE MY SLIPPERS?
Levine: Mr. Steinbrenner, sir, it’s your baseball team. The Yankees, remember? You remember the Yankees, don’t you sir?
George: When did I buy a Basketball? YOU’RE FIRED!
Cashman: Here are your slippers, sir.
George: I didn’t order any slippers! Where’s my manager? Joe, get me a cup of coffee!
Girardi: Sure thing, Boss.
George: Wait a second, did you lose weight, Torre?
Girardi: Oh, no sir, I’m Joe Girardi, not Joe Torre
George: WHAT THE HELL? WHERE’S TORRE?
Girardi: You fired him, sir.
George: Who?
Girardi: Joe Torre.
George: What’s a Joe Torre? Where’s my tea? How many times do I have to tell you, Martin, I want my Tea!
Hal: Father, Mr. Martin passed away 17 years ago. You’re getting cranky, I really think you should go back to bed.
George: You know I sent that bastard DiMaggio a Christmas Card six weeks ago, and he hasn’t even sent me a damn telegram in return? The nerve of some people! Harold, I want you to tell him that if he doesn’t apologize, his number is getting un-retired and put on the worst player on the team! Same for that ungrateful jackass Mantle too!
Hal: But Father…
George: DON’T TALK BACK TO ME! I’M THE BOSS©!
Hal: Yes, sir.
Randy Levine: Come on, Sir, I’m taking you back to bed. You’re not feeling right.
*Flash Back to the gift opening*
Sean Henn: Hey, I got a new personalized jersey with the number 15 on it! Awesome!
Hank: Everyone, I have an announcement. Due to his current condition, Father will not be able to join us today.
Hal: We thought this would happen, so we took the precaution of hiring Emmy Nominated® Television Actor Oliver Platt to play the role of Father for the rest of the day.
Platt: First of all, I want all of you to get haircuts and shave those beards!
*knock at the door*
Cashman: Master Rodriguez, it’s near 3:30! Where have you been?
A-Rod: I was having Christmas with Scott Boras, and opted out of coming here, but he didn’t get me the gifts I wanted, so I dumped him and decided to come here instead!
Hank: ALEX! WE’RE SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT! HERE’S A BIG PRESENT FOR YOU!
A-Rod: It’s the Ant Farm I always wanted!
Hal: Anything for Yankee MVP© Alex Rodriguez!
Clemens: Hey y’all, Dinner is served!
Girardi: Okay, everybody line up for the food and sit at the table in the right order. Damon, you’re first, then Jeter. Rodriguez, you can go third, Abreu fourth…
Platt: NO! I want A-Rod seated fourth.
Girardi: But sir, I feel we’d all fit at the table better if he’s third.
Platt: SEAT HIM FOURTH OR YOU’RE GONE!
Girardi: Okay, okay, he can have clean up.
A-Rod: Whoa, A-Rod isn’t cleaning up all this mess!
Girardi: No, it’s just an expression. Brian Cashman is really cleaning up after you. So make as big a mess as you want.
Mussina: Hey, this iced tea is really bad. All the mix is in the bottom and it’s really watery…who stirred this drink?
Reggie Jackson: I spent 20 minutes stirring that with my straw!
Girardi: Reggie, why don’t you go sit at the kid’s table.
Platt: I AM NOT PAYING REGGIE JACKSON $4 MILLION DOLLARS TO RIDE THE KID’S TABLE!
Eiland: No Joba! Use a fork and knife!
Joba: JOBA EAT WITH HANDS
Eiland: That isn’t proper table etiquette!
Michael Kay: Well it used to be Etiquette for black people to be slaves!
LaTroy Hawkins: What?!?!?! That’s it, I’m leaving! Goodbye everybody.
Kay: SSSSSSSSSSSSEE YA!
*All of a sudden a car crashes through the dining room wall*
Kay: It’s Yankee Legend™ Jim Leyrtiz!
Leyritz: Heyyyy guyzzzhhh…Shorrrry I’m late for thish partyyyyyyyyyy.
Hal: Oh my god, you broke the wall!
Hank: You ran over Carl Pavano!
A-Rod: YOU BROKE MY ANT FARM!
*ants swarm around the dinner table*
Joba: BUGS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*Joba has a meltdown and starts destroying furniture*
Eiland: No! Bad Joba! Bad!
*Full out riot ensues, coaches flee to their own room*
Suzyn: This is rough…*sniff* I was okay until I went into the coaches’ room *sniff* and the coaches are sitting in Girardi’s office and watching this *sniff* and the tears you hear in my voice *sniff* are coming down the faces of those coaches watching this.
Sterling: Well Suzyn, um…in life, unfortunately, all good things come to an end. It’s been another great year, and it’s been a pleasure to bring you another installment of the Steinbrenner
Compound Annual Yankee Family Christmas Gathering™. We’ll all be seeing each other again in Spring Training for another Magical Yankee Season®.Suzyn: You’re right John. This has been another winning Christmas for the Yankees.
Sterling: YANKEES WIN! THUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH YANKEES WIN!©
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